Shortly after I joined the church, the missionary dispensed some critical advice to everyone: The church members are not your friends. You shouldn’t have any friends here. Church is to foster your relationship with god, nothing else.

I took this advice very seriously.

I would intentionally go around and try to talk to everyone equally without favoring anyone too much, and I kept everyone at arm’s length.

Even when I got along well with certain members, I wouldn’t tell them anything personal. We would only talk about “spiritual things.”

Years later, the missionary’s wife rebuked me for not getting close to anyone. (I realize in hindsight it was probably because as a result, no one could report personal details about me to the leaders.)

I was so confused by the contradictory attitude. Still, I was used to keeping everyone at a distance and continued to do so.

When things got bad in my last few years at the church, I had no one to lean on.

And when I finally got out, I didn’t know how to have friends because I’d gone a decade without having any.