After my daughter was born, I spent one unpleasant day crammed in a tiny room for infants in the kids quarters with other new mothers before being granted special permission to bring her to the tech area.

She was only a few weeks old, but I was back to the graphics mission full force. That meant she was confined to her car seat or a blanket on the office floor while I worked.

(I also want to note that the ink from the printer in the graphics room produced dangerous fumes. I felt so bad keeping my newborn in that room, which smelled like printer ink even when nothing was printing. But I had no choice—she was still too young to leave in the kids room without my presence and there was nowhere else I could go to work.)

Shortly after, I was recruited to work full-time for the church, then appointed the leader of the graphics mission. I wasn’t even given a choice about the latter.

I gave up a well-paying graphic design job to work fifteen hours a day for less than minimum wage at the church. But at least I didn’t have to pay for childcare.

The problem with working with a kid is, you can’t give your full attention to both work and the child. And I constantly felt like the decision was a test.

I ended up attending to my child only when she needed to be fed or changed and spending the rest of my time working. I felt guilty spending extra time with her unless she absolutely needed it.

Often, she was up until past midnight with me while I worked, under bright LED office lights that didn’t make it easy for her to sleep.

Sometimes, she would cry loudly and I would desperately try to appease her, feeling so guilty for disturbing other people trying to work.

I started to feel like I was drowning.

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