There was so much pressure within the church to change and to become perfect.

In part because of OCD, my mind incessantly pointed out all the ways in which I was imperfect and compelled me to fix them.

When it was just me, it was relatively easy to strive for this impossible goal. Not that it came at little cost.

It cost me my friendships, my life outside the church, my relationship with my family, my identity, and more.

But I was willing to throw all of that away, thinking I was gaining in the end by receiving God’s favor and blessings. If my brain pointed out one more thing that I could cut away for God’s kingdom, I’d do it.

When I became a parent, striving toward the goal became much harder. I couldn’t do all that my conscience told me to do anymore.

If I put more effort into taking care of my child, I would be too worldly, distracted by physical things, and I would lose time to do my missions. If I put more effort into my missions, I would be a bad parent, unable to show God’s love to my own child.

I couldn’t give 100% to both, and less than 100% for either seemed wrong.

I didn’t want to admit it, but I believed the church had been right after all—I now had a conflict of interest.

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What bothered me, though, is that I felt this conflict of interest was unjust. The church shouldn’t be demanding so much of me that I felt I had to sacrifice the basic care my child needed.

At the time, such thoughts were sacrilegious. We were taught that it was right to be willing to give up everything for God. Family, friends, money, even our lives. We were supposed to be loyal to the point of death. Whatever was asked of us could never be more than we owed.

So I pushed down those thoughts and continued to prioritize the church.