Big Shine had morning meetings with the salesmen every so often.

(And yes, it was all men, church leaders. Women weren’t allowed to deliver sermons or lead churches by themselves unless in very special circumstances where a man wasn’t available.)

The internal team would sit in on the meetings, which included me. I was essentially the whole marketing team.

I’d come in with my baby in her carseat, feeling awkward and hoping she wouldn’t cry.

Each salesman had to report on how sales were going in their respective areas. And Mr. Dan (as we called him) would tear them apart.

It was essentially a verbal abuse session. He would talk down on them, belittle their efforts, tell them they were disgraces for making less money than their wives.

Sometimes he would share gossip and warnings: This former member recently died from a drug overdose. Demon possessed. See what happens when people leave the truth?

There was a sense, in that room, of being in the know. Of being special. But also of being unworthy to be there.

Maybe it was like walking a tightrope: You’re here because God has had mercy on you. You’d better keep doing things right or you’ll die.