While I was working for both the church and Big Shine, I could feel my mental health getting worse.

I was constantly feeling intense guilt and depression that were making it hard for me to function and work, which only contributed even more to the guilt and depression.

There were some days when I came to the church after working at Big Shine and, under the guise of “going out preaching,” would drive to a random location far away and just cry in my car.

I talked to my leaders, begging them to let me step down from the graphics leader position because of my slipping mental health. I asked at least three distinct times.

But I was conditioned to always act like I was okay, so they didn’t take me seriously.

Moreover, I was getting work done. “There’s no one else,” they kept telling me. “Just hang in there. We’ll figure out how to decrease your workload.”

But it wasn’t the work that was overwhelming me. It was the guilt tied into my unique position. I was getting paid for something that others were doing voluntarily in my work at the church. Yet I couldn’t stay as late as them without being a bad parent.

I couldn’t stay at Big Shine’s office as long as the other employees because I had to come to the church and work. The time that I couldn’t devote to each of my missions made me feel deeply in debt.

The guilt was too much for me to bear and I was starting to break down. I felt like a ticking time-bomb that would wreak great destruction when I finally exploded.