Besides playing the violin, I had another mental escape: I started to read and write fanfiction about a TV show.

Even just watching the TV show was “wrong” according to what the church taught. I would watch it secretly when Thomas wasn’t around.

Some of the fanfiction I read had male-male pairings. I had always gravitated toward gay content since I was a young teen but had distanced myself from it in the church due to the anti-gay teachings.

I felt like I was sinning by reading secular content, especially the gay fanfiction. But the stories I read were well-written and dealt with issues like mental health. I felt like they were helping me heal.

There was one particular author whose works I read ravenously. In addition to being an excellent writer, she often mentioned topics and details that I liked, such as music and references to Miyazaki films.

I would post comments on every one of her works, and she would respond. We had many full blown conversations in her comment sections. I also started PMing her and we became friends.

It was on a particular Sabbath day when I realized I might have a crush on her. And there was everything wrong with that: she was a girl and I was married.

Because of the Biblical teaching that if you have an adulterous thought you may as well have committed it, I knew I was sinning.

Even if I do everything right, I reasoned, I’m going to hell anyway.