My first relationship when I was fifteen was with a girl. At the time, I did not identify as a lesbian because I didn’t know whether I had a preference for females or not. I simply loved my girlfriend regardless of her gender. But I knew that I felt strongly that all forms of love were valid and I identified with the LGBTQ+ community.

When I started attending the WMSCOG, it became clear very quickly that queerness was unacceptable. We weren’t supposed to preach to gay people, and everyone spoke as if homosexuality was the worst sin, automatically disqualifying people from salvation.

We were taught that if people were homosexual or disabled, they had committed sins in heaven too grave to be worthy of salvation to justify not even giving them a chance to be saved.

I hadn’t had enough time in life to explore my own sexuality or queer identity before entering the cult. While a member, I shoved that unexplored part of myself deep down and accepted the cult’s views on queerness, even if it made me feel like a hypocrite and a traitor to the community that I identified with.

There were times when I was in the orchestra and choir sisters’ changing room and thought to myself, “What would these girls think if they knew there was a secret lesbian in their midst?” Despite not considering myself a lesbian, that thought rose from the depths of my subconscious.

As I mentioned before, one of the escapes that I indulged in toward the end of my time in the cult was reading gay fanfiction. It felt wrong to read it on a surface level because of what the church taught. But on a deeper level, it felt wrong to dislike it because I didn’t really have any problem with queerness at all.

After leaving the cult, I spent about two years just healing and regaining the ability to do basic life-sustaining things. I didn’t think about dating or finding love because I didn’t want to drag my baggage and trauma into a relationship. Part of me also still felt (due to years of conditioning) that romance was sinful and wrong. I even convinced myself that I was asexual to completely separate myself from what was taught to be sinful.

But there came a point when I felt like I was okay enough to consider entering a relationship. I signed up for various dating apps, and started to realize I was probably gay when I automatically rejected all the men that came across my feed regardless of how objectively “attractive” they were.

I was fortunate enough to encounter my current girlfriend on the very first day of using those apps. Talking to her gave me the courage to come out to my parents. We’ve been dating for over a year now. I’ve never been happier in a relationship, and I’ve never felt more true to myself.