Ever since we started dating, Thomas exerted a lot of control over my behavior. If I looked at or talked to a brother, even if it was for a mission under instructions from the church leader, he would become furious, claiming that we were flirting.

I’ve already mentioned in one of these stories the time I was on the verge of running away. I stopped in a Walmart parking lot near my house and had a panic attack, thinking about how plagues would strike those who didn’t keep the Feast of Tabernacles.

I felt so disconnected from everyone at Big Shine. To me, they all looked so happy, beautiful, and perfect. I was depressed, so I perceived myself as ugly, sad, and pathetic.

Trigger Warning: This anecdote contains explicit content, including mention of non-consensual sex. If this is triggering to you, please skip this one.

All of a sudden, at one point, I began to practice my long-neglected violin. I would start when I came home at night and practice for hours until 2 or 3 am.